Just today and tonight, I learned a few life lessons that everyone should know… in no particular order.

Don’t try teeth whitening strips for the first time ever on both the top and bottom teeth first thing in the morning.

Texting on the cell phone, messing with the iPod, eating a cheeseburger, and driving in the snow is easier than it sounds.

Don’t order a bacon cheeseburger five minutes before closing.

Apparently, God doesn’t want me to attend the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Mountain Dew. The drink of champions.

The Mythbusters busting the myth that Pop Rocks and soda can make your stomach explode is absolutely disgusting. Just horrifying. (But remember, they’re what you call “professionals.”)

Ricky Martin sucks.

When driving in a blizzard, don’t follow the guy with his flashers on.

All movie rental places in this town suck.

Cops must like me. They don’t pull me over when I run red lights.

And most importantly?

Don’t drink after a toddler who’s been eating those cheese goldfish cracker things.