spoken for

It all started with that earthquake. Yup, then there was an aftershock that made me dizzy! Elijah didn’t even notice it, though. I was unable to sleep after the earthquake, so I’ve been up since about 4:30am. I’m surprised I’m still going.

Then it was finish up the graduation party inserts for my sister-in-law, ship a candle order, stop by the bank, get some fuel (for a blasted $3.99 a gallon, nonetheless), then meet said sister-in-law and another one an hour south for lunch.

We had fun there. We ate at Culver’s; I’d never been to one before, it was pretty good. With the kids’ meals, you get a coupon for a free scoop of custard. So I got that for Elijah and got myself a very small sundae (oh, sundae, it has been too long). I dropped those at the table and while I was getting a drink refill, Elijah, between his two aunts, suddenly screams, “GET YOUR OWN!” Of course, they cracked up. Doesn’t do much for discipline, does it? This was, of course, after he told me, “I am going to sit by Aunt Liz and Aunt Sheila, NOT YOU.” Mmmkay. No skin off my back! Woe is the person who sits next to Elijah during a meal, thou art doomed to be climbed over and covered in whatever it is he’s got on his hands and face. So yay!

After that, we went back to their apartment where another adventure was waiting for us. While we were sitting there talking, Sheila suddenly said, “do you have to go potty?” To which Elijah said, “No!!” And I said, “Get in there, boy, and go pee. Sheesh.” Next thing we knew, he was screaming bloody murder. I went running only to find out… poor little guy. He’s going to kill me for this some day. Apparently, and if you’re easily grossed out you should take your exit now, he was going to pee but didn’t know he had diarrhea and you can guess the rest. I was just glad he did it at their apartment and not in the restaurant. So Sheila and I commenced to cleaning him up and he ended up with having to wear a safety pinned pair of girl’s boy-cuts. Heh. Then, of course, while his pants were drying (I cleaned them off then used the blow dryer until they were only damp then let them sit), Liz’s date showed up and Elijah thought it would be quite funny to keep removing the blanket Sheila and Liz had covered him up with. Ah, first impressions of her nephew. Priceless.

So Liz left, then we left – Sheila was going to work – and, did I mention that it was raining practically the whole time? And I was constantly surrounded by crazy drivers? One of which tried to back into me in the middle of a city street and I couldn’t reverse because there were two cars behind me but then the old man behind me started driving around me in the oncoming lane while the other moron was still trying to back up and I was still refusing to budge because we’re in the middle of the freaking street and the three of us in my vehicle nearly lost it. That was fun. I got to hear a lot of new words out of Liz’s mouth. :P But anyway, so Elijah and I headed to the store.

It was raining when we went in, but not that bad. Elijah made me angry in the store when, immediately after me telling him to leave the can of Lysol alone, he sprayed it all over his hands. He didn’t learn his lesson, either, go figure. I got out of that nutty place and we started to leave only now, it was absolutely pouring down screaming cats and dogs (because cats and dogs scream when they fall from the sky and land on the pavement). So we run down the parking lot, Elijah in the cart. That was sort-of fun until we had to stop, then we got soaked, and I think I contracted pneumonia. Before I can get him in the Jeep he starts screaming, “Ah! Ah! Ah! AH!!!” Put him in, my two bags, then the four cases of jars I bought. Yes, I finally found some. While doing this, several inches of water kept rushing by and my shoes, socks, and jeans just soaked it all up. I tell you what, Moses wouldn’t have needed to part the Red Sea if he’d had shoes like mine!

Then, another stop! Knowing that tonight’s a union meeting night so I would be on my own, I wanted some movies (it’s protocol). Wanted Juno but they were all out, of course. So I grabbed Dan in Real Life and Beowulf since I had a rent one, get one. Waiting in line, Elijah decides he wants a gumball. He asks me for a quarter. I lie. I say I don’t have any. I don’t want him to have one of those gumballs. We’re going to have supper and I hate those things, they’re huge. He begs me to look in my purse.

So I said, “okay, I will pretend to look in my purse for you, but I’m telling you, all I have are a bunch of pennies.” The teenage girl in front of me in line, with her boyfriend, she laughs. I laugh. She immediately produces a quarter and gives it to Elijah. Inwardly I’m thinking stupid girl, wtf is wrong with you?! Outwardly, I laugh and say “thanks.” Then she helps Elijah with the gumball machine. He gets a blue one. I tell him to bite it in half first, “the last thing I need is you with one of those stuck in your throat.” He tries to bite it, but alas, he can’t. So I do what any mother would do, I try to break it in my hand. Nothing. Muscles I ain’t. Then I go to do what I did last time: bite it in half for him like a freaking mother bird.

However, I lost grip on the stupid thing and then the whole thing was in my mouth, though on my teeth. So I bit. The stupid thing ex.plo.ded. It was as hard as a rock. He’s jumping for it and the last thing I’m going to do is chew that junk let alone admit that I do, indeed, have two quarters that I saw when I “checked” my purse. So I pop out the pieces into my hand and give them to him. Amazingly, they’re not wet or gross. And he’s happy.

I say to the girl that that must have been the grossest thing she’d ever seen because she was staring at us the whole time. She laughs and basically says “you gotta do what you gotta do.” More small talk ensues and she and the boyfriend leave. But now, thanks to her, Elijah’s all blue, too. The lady at the counter gives me a wet wipe because apparently I’m a horrible mother who can’t carry those around. Heh. She was really nice about it, though, and asked me if I wanted one. But that was the second time in less than twenty-four hours I’d bummed a wet wipe from someone for that kid’s messy face and hands! I know, I suck.

Oh, and then, if you’re still with me, that is… We had a fairly enjoyable evening, what was left of it, Elijah and I. Dinner, playing, whatever. Not long after I’d sent him to bed, even though he’d just gone, he was yelling, “mama, I gotta go peeeeeepeeee!” So I told him to go and hurry it up. Too long in there, I went and pushed the door open. There he was, standing on the toilet seat (lid up, of course), underwear around his ankles, messing with the sunscreen he’d gotten out of the cabinet above the toilet:

What goes through that kid’s mind? I don’t get him half the time. :P

I got in his face about it then cleaned him off and sent him to bed again. Shut his door then I went to the bathroom where I could see he had not peed like he told me he had (no toilet had ever flushed, either). Then I just started laughing. I swear, he keeps me on my toes.

So now I’ve watched two movies, though I watched the first before he went to bed. And finally, I hear Steve pulling in at just this second. I think I’m ready for bed, ’cause it’s going to start all over again in about six hours. Bah humbug! :)

AND THEN I nearly lost this post because WordPress logged me out or some such crap and said I didn’t have permission to “do that.” Do what? Fix that spelling error up there? ‘Cause that’s what I was doing, ho.