empty loss

22 Jul 2015 In: Days Go By

Sometimes I just lay in bed and cry.  It hit me hard tonight.  Driving is very difficult at times, too, probably because, unless children are screaming, I’m left alone with my thoughts for 45 minutes.

I have to cry privately, it upsets the children.

I just miss her so much and my heart cries out for resolution.  Losing my other friend to cancer is different, we know where she went.  But we don’t know where she is.

And another friend said something to me yesterday that, at the time, didn’t register much, I guess.  But now, full meaning has arrived and I don’t know what to do with this information.

My brain is too full lately.  I don’t really have room for grief.  I push it away as long as I can get away with.

Today was a symbolic day of a year ago.  Rather, a year, one week, and six days ago.  We were all doing this same thing one year, one week, and six days ago and when we woke up the next morning we went about our day but soon the reality would come and change our lives forever.

I have so many things I want to tell her, so many things I want to ask her.

Oh God, please reveal the truth.  I’m not sure we can take any more of this.

Kodak Duaflex IV

14 Jul 2015 In: Days Go By

I bought this marvelous little vintage camera on E-Bay over a year ago now.  I was looking for something specific for a prop – in good condition, smaller, from the 50’s or 60’s, and also affordable.

Here came the Kodak Duaflex IV!


I love this little thing, it is my favorite vintage camera I own and it is in very good condition.  Doing some Googling, I found out that the Duaflex IV was manufactured from 1955 to 1960, of course, was 4th and last in the Duaflex series.  Mine actually came with the flash attachment but I didn’t have a bulb for it so I’ve stashed that part away for now.  The camera takes 620 film for 2.5″x2.5″ sized photos.

I used this thing for a prop for a themed modeling shoot along with another camera and then used it as a prop in two bridal shows and a couple of other shows.  It was at a local show almost a year later that I finally opened up the film compartment.  Strange because my other vintage cameras have been opened right away.

I was surprised to find a finished roll of film in there!  There was no telling if it was any good, especially after how many years??  The film could be as old as the camera or as “new” as 1995 when it was discontinued.  I highly doubted anyone was using this camera that late in the game, however.

So I looked into getting it developed and found The Darkroom, I sent the film in.  I ordered medium sized scans and printed photos and shipped it off.  I thought that maybe some day I’d like to shoot some of my own photos with this camera, if it’s still working of course, and found that you can roll your own film for a 620 camera by spooling 120 film onto the 620 spool.  So I asked for the spool to be returned (it’s original metal) and they were happy to do so for me.  Maybe some day I can do that after we get our limbo-life settled.

I sort of expected to get a roll of nothing good, either unexposed or too old and ruined by now, but was delighted to get back 12 photos, 11 of which are pretty darn good, with only 1 that’s really blurry.

from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV from my Kodak Duaflex IV

Being the old fogey I am, it makes me wonder about the people who took the photos.  Were they on vacation?  Going somewhere for business?  Where?  When?  Why didn’t they ever develop the film?  The man in the 4th photo appears to have some sort of recorder, was he with the person taking the photos or was it his camera?  Or was he just someone they met on travels?  From his dress, I’m thinking the 1960’s sometime?  So many questions.  :)

I would love to find the family of whoever took these photos but I don’t think it will ever happen.  I ended up messaging the person I bought the camera from and she said she did know it had film in it and she didn’t know who the camera had belonged to before her, she bought it at some estate sale or something.  All in all she was pretty uninterested and unhelpful, heh.  Who knows, maybe some day someone will recognize that man.  How cool would that be…

Grandma’s granny squares

13 Jul 2015 In: Days Go By

Yup, I like to crochet.  I’m a bit of a lazy crocheter, I like to make scarves, haha.  Blankets too.  I’ll make some really cute stuff then decide I never want to make it again, like this cupcake hat I did for someone or this owl blanket which is pretty epic but will never be repeated by me.  For one, I haaaaate weaving in ends.  Like I’m seriously allergic to it.

My grandma first tried to teach me crochet when I was probably in 6th grade.  I didn’t get far with it then and it wasn’t until after she passed away that I tried to teach myself again from the beginning.  But I was hopelessly lost on my own and threw it down in frustration.  Then, when my daughter was a few months old, some ladies held a crochet night at church.  Some, uh, of the more mature ladies, taught us younger ones and we just had a fun night.  One special lady who’s grandsons call “tubby moo moo” (don’t ask) and who is married to a man my husband likes to harass (it’s mutual, trust me) taught me all of the basic stitches and this time I picked it up right away.  After that night, I was finally able to really do anything I wanted to, I can now follow directions or a video tutorial to do anything I can’t figure out on my own.

So fast forward to today… well, last week.  My parents are also building a new house and are moving and my mom found what she called my grandma’s last project.  I’m pretty sure these 5 granny squares were going to be a baby blanket for one of the grandkids.  I like granny squares (as long as we’re not talking colors that came out of the 1970’s yuck) but have never done any with flowers inside them.  They’re really pretty.  There’s an odd number, however, and the only unworked yarn that came with them is a tiny little ball that could do only one or two more squares at the very most.

So now I’m wondering what to do with these.  I really want to do something with these where I can make them useful to myself in some way.  My grandma was always very special to me so I love having things that remind me of her.  Even my daughter carries Grandma’s first name as her middle name, the only grandchild or great-grandchild to be named after her.

I thought maybe I could turn them into a scarf, but I’m really not sure how.  For one, this is also a finer yarn than I’m used to.  I prefer worsted and this looks to be sport which is smaller and lighter and tends to frustrate me because I cannot move as quickly with it.

So now my thinking wheels are turning.  I had to finish up the fingerless gloves and scarf set I was making for my mom real quick, but I did that yesterday, so now I’m free to go in my crochet world.  Sadly, I don’t get to crochet nearly as much as I would like (especially considering it’s usually a pretty therapeutic and stress-relieving thing to do), but soon I vow to work these into… something!

Coming again soon. This site is about to get an overhaul.

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